I have heard different doctors and patients describe depression in their own words, and I, as someone who has struggled with depression since I was a young child, also have described it as best as I could with words.
Is it an emotion? Is it a feeling? Is it a hormonal imbalance? Is it a mental illness?
What the hell is it that has made me feel like a dark cloud was over me damping and obscuring every step I take?
What is this seemingly unshakable, hopeless feeling that I try to cover with smiles and jokes, but deep inside it is eating every possibility of joy?
I watched an interview with Dr. Rosalind Watts, a clinical psychologist and the clinical lead of the Imperial College London Psilocybin for Depression study. Her current work includes developing psychedelic therapy protocols and training therapists.
In this interview she describes depression in a way that, although it was not really new to my spirit, it was deeper, and I jumped in my chair and yelled “YES!” this is exactly how it feels! This is the best description I have heard so far!
And why is this important to you? Because if you or anyone you know who struggles with depression can understand this, then they have a new door to healing! They have a new light!
And now you can help yourself and help others!
Now you don’t look at it as a simple, passive, “just get busy, and don’t think about it” type of situation (although sometimes we need to cope in different ways to survive).
Here is how Dr. Rosalind Watts describes it:
“Depression is not passive. It’s not like being sad. It is full of rage towards the self. It is a very complicated, very muddy, hopeless feeling of constant self-attack.”
Depression is a defense mechanism we develop based on the beliefs we created from the traumas we have experienced.
It is painful.
It is darkness.
It is a somber existence.
We attack ourselves constantly as a form of preservation from further pain.
I know that, after all the healing I have experienced, I still sometimes attack my own creativity, my body, my decisions. But now I am aware, and I stop myself and choose new thoughts. It is truly a daily decision to walk the walk of freedom and happiness.
If you are reading this and you suffer from depression, you are not alone. I completely understand, as I was almost suicidal several times in my 20’s and mid 30’s.
Please reach out to someone. Depression is not something to hide or ignore, it happens to many of us, and it can be healed. You deserve healing and wholeness. You deserve freedom. Your soul doesn’t want you to live tortured with a muddy hopeless feeling of constant self attack.
If you feel like you resonate with me, click the link below and contact me. It would be an honor to support you in your journey.