I’ve been through some emotional shit lately. I allowed some things in my life which triggered a line of events that brought up deep-seated feelings of being unlovable, unworthy, unsafe, and not good enough.
I thought I had dealt with those feelings, but there was a deeper layer showing up this time stronger than ever (or so it seemed to feel).
Obviously on a conscious level I know these beliefs are not true, but when we are triggered, the pain is so strong that there’s no reasoning with it.
And… I allowed myself to feel these irrational feelings and asked myself which part of me was crying. Was it the 5 year-old versión of me, or was it the teenager who was betrayed, or the woman in her twenties who suddenly became homeless?
Then I began to journal out my feelings while hysterically crying and forgive myself.
I noticed many times in the past few days how I tried getting distracted to not have to face the pain, and I gently moved myself back into facing what I was feeling head on.
See, I used to hate triggers, but now I see them as a blessing. If I’m lucky enough to get a trigger, I have the opportunity to work on the deeply rooted pain that I don’t even know still exists.
Facing the pain is so scary, it’s morbid, it feels sadistic… or human nature is to avoid it. But my friend the only way to heal it is to face it head on and write it down, allow ourselves to “ugly cry”, sob, throw up, be angry, be irrational, whatever is necessary to purge the pain out, and then forgive ourselves and forgive them – and ultimately be grateful.
I promise you that as you face the pain and write it out, it will get easier. You will begin to love yourself at a deeper level.
You will look differently. You will make different decisions from a new place. Your true self will be able to rise up even more.
I love you all.